The Interview Trail

For those of you who are not in the loop, my interview season for a pathology subspecialty fellowship (transfusion medicine) has started. I recently completed 2 (of 5) interviews - hours of perma-smiling while asking and answering the same questions over and over again to different people. I'd forgotten how grueling it was 3 years ago while seeking a residency position...

But you know what the hardest question of the entire interview experience was?

“So, how many siblings do you have? Tell me about them.”

It’s a question that I knew would come up someday, the “do you have siblings?” question that everyone asks to be polite. I’ve spent a lot of time wondering how to answer that question in the intervening months since Chandler’s death. Do I have a sibling? It’s a concrete question that can’t be answered concretely because the answer is both yes and no. I can’t even reliably answer that question in my head without crying – so how in the world was I supposed to answer it during a fellowship interview? How do you give a dignified answer to a question that breaks your heart?

---“No, I’m an only child.”
That’s not a great answer because it’s a big, fat lie.

---“Yes, I have a brother.”
That’s also a lie – because I HAD a brother and tenses matter--at least to me.

---“I had a brother.”
Do I really want to open that can of worms? Do I want to present this wound for the interviewer to poke and prod?  Because if I have learned one thing with interviews, the moment the door is open, some asshole will inevitably take the opportunity to walk inside.

---“Yes, I had a brother, but he was a selfish douchebag and committed suicide in July.”
That sounds…well…truthful, but a tad too bitchy. (One of these days I will move out of the anger stage of grieving...I hope).

I guess the answer is this:  I was once a big sister. Once upon a not so distant time, I had a little brother. We grew up together and when we were small we did nearly everything together and for the last 27 years of my life, Chandler was always there. But now he’s no longer around because he took his own life and even though I know that’s what happened, there’s a difference between knowing it in my head and saying it out loud to the world. I’m not afraid of people judging my family for what Chandler did (undoubtedly some do, but I don’t care because those that judge are small-minded wads of garbage) – I am afraid that once I answer it that the tears will begin to flow. And an interview for fellowship is NOT the appropriate place to look like a tearful, pathetic tool.

So what did I say?

I copped out and skipped over the question as best I could by saying simply, “I’m lucky enough to have an amazing sister in-law. We weren’t born family but we’re family now and I’m incredibly thankful for that.”

While it is only a partial truth about my sibling and my family, at least it is still the truth.

And also - I did not shed a tear. Hooray for small blessings.